


One step too much

by Gabriel_Sammys_Angel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bullying, Character Death, Cutting, Hurt, I care, Other, Self Harm, Suicide, dont read if it will trigger you, i had to vent, mentioned Michael, mentioned Sam, sad end, stay safe, warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 11:49:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14873229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabriel_Sammys_Angel/pseuds/Gabriel_Sammys_Angel
Summary: Gabriel had always been the happy and bright kid at his high school and had ignored all the bullying until one day.. he could not anymore.Warning: suicide, self harmDo not read if this triggers you.





	One step too much

**Author's Note:**

> Hey,  
> please do not read this if it will trigger you. Stay safe and be careful.

The teenager had not always been this sad, lonely and depressed. But people had pushed him to become with how he ended, to become the complete opposite of how he used to be. Because people were assholes and never seemed to know when they had gone too far. Sometimes they took it far enough to push someone over the edge, pushed them hard enough that even the happiest teen alive could consider committing suicide. 

Actually Gabriel had always been bright and happy, positive in every situation no matter what. Weather it regarded himself, his grades, his friends (those he had lost three years ago because they had ´grown up´ while he had stayed almost the same). Even when it concerned his brothers or family in general Gabriel was the one who always stayed full of energy, hope, life and most important; positive.   
Someone with his personality either had a lot of friends and was popular, or got cornered out and bullied all through his life because he seemed too bright, naive even. For Gabriel it had been both, during kindergarten and until seventh grade he had been so very popular, so happy, so excited all the time and had many friends who got his back. But when he had to change school because of his father´s work.. it all changed. He stopped being the popular one and started to become the bullied and mocked one.  
He had seen through all of the bullying, through every mocking comment and through everything else for the past three years, seventh grade, eight grade, ninth grade... no- by now it had almost been four years as Gabriel was soon to finish his tenth year as a student. How time could fly by.. he had not noticed it, but now that he thought about it he remembered, not three but almost four years now. Four years of being alone and having no one.

When he got bullied for his weight and got insulted for the physical state his body was in everyday he did not let them drag him down. Why should he. Sure, he was a little overweight but what was the problem with it.   
Bo-ho. That was his problem especially because he was happy like this, he liked candy and he did not like working out. He definitely had no health issues and therefor saw no reason in changing anything, this was him.   
His body, his decision.   
No need to tell him how ´unhealthy´ he was, how much he ´endangered himself´nada nada. It was not like he really brought himself in danger, he was not even overweight enough to be scared to get diabetes. He knew all that- his doctor was not the kindest man either (especially not because his oldest brother always tried to make him lose weight too and persuaded the doctor to tell him to do it for health reasons) as his best friend was the son of Gabriel´s doctor).   
But Gabriel was not unhappy with his body- he actually was quiet comfortable with the soft chub everywhere, he had grown up with it, he had learned to live with it and could not even imagine himself being skinny, he would from time to time but he had no desire to actually be thin, skinny, bone-y or even at a ´normal´ weight. He was happy with himself.  
So no, that was not the problem.

And even when he started to get bullied for his likes, his interests and his positive way- he simply got called stupid and useless more than once. By teachers and students alike. But it was not that he was stupid or had a lower IQ like everyone assumed- no. Gabriel was simply bored and did not /want/ to show how clever he actually was. He could easily pass every test with an A if he really wanted to. But it made no sense to him, there was no purpose behind it after all. He did not want to learn a job where he needed the best grades, hell he did not even want to go to university even if he totally could. He could become a professor or doctor but.. no. That was not him.  
Even when they started to get physical with him, shoved him into walls, poked his sides and squeezed him into the lockers, locking him in, he did not do anything against it. Not even when they started to attack him out of school too, hitting him, shoving him.. he had come home with bruises and scrapes more than once. But he just did not do anything against it, he barely defended himself. Not because he was a push-over, no it was as simple as a child's puzzle- he did not care. Of course it did not leave him completely inviolably, he happened to cry once in a while. Only in the safety of his room but that was it, no hard feelings about this all. Gabriel remained to be the bright young teen he had always been, eager to help and happy to be alive.   
Because these were all things he had decided for himself. He decided to stay chubby, honestly he was not even fat but got bullied like he was, because almost everyone in his grade was at least skinny or lean. He could diet but he did not want to, that was a decision he had made and could change anytime.   
It also was his decision to screw up school and put barely any effort in it, or at least not show what he was capable off for real. If he wanted to he could impress everyone by getting an A in an especially hard test. He never took any notes but he listened although teachers could swear he never paid attention. There was no reason for him to do so though expect for smiting those smug grins off the faces of his classmates, he did not seek out revenge though, he did not get any joy from it after all.

But the one thing that broke him, made his self esteem falter, got him to cry almost every night, made him start to harm himself in more than one way...?  
Being gay had never been a choice. And it had not been for Gabriel either, when he had been caught starring at the most popular boy in high school, Sam Winchester, they immediately drew conclusions that were not wrong but still destroyed him. His classmates saw his stares and immediately said that Gabriel Novak was a gay fag.  
The first time someone asked him if he was gay he had shrugged and nodded a little, ´more or less-´ he had answered. He had gotten laughed at after, got called a fat fag to his face and not only behind his back. The word fat did not sting, fag did though. He had not chosen his sexuality after all. No one did. It was simply part of him, a part he could not change even if he tried. He thought of Sam as attractive, most teens did. They were girls. He was not. Was that a sin? No. Not in his eyes at least.

But it got worse and worse each day and at some point the teen could not take it anymore, they tried to fuck with /his/ life although they seemed like they did not like themselves, what had he done?! 

Nothing.   
Nothing.   
Nothing.  
Nothing... NOTHING.

He had done NOTHING wrong, he could NOT change who he was, it was not his CHOICE to be GAY, it was simply who HE was. 

He was starting to die inside, he had no friends and his cheerfulness could not hold up all that much longer. At home things went down too, the house did no longer feel like home. It got to the point where he dreaded coming home but feared school more.   
They were cruel, crueler than he could take it. He could not figure out why he was alone, why he had no friends. He was left alone to cry on his own, no friends to tell him it was okay, no family to comfort him. But he still managed and forced himself to go to school everyday. Gabriel did not want to let them have the victory of seeing him break and crumble.  
And so he went to school like he always did. One thing had changed though, he had stopped talking so much, he was actually very quiet. Unusually so. But no one noticed this, no one cared enough to even greet him when they saw him, not even teachers seemed to notice, for them it was better like this, Gabriel had been the kind of obvious and loud that every teacher hated. But they did not even think once about what had triggered this radical change. 

 

Gabriel had never been one to harm himself but at some point, about six weeks before summer break, only six more weeks before he could enjoy a summer without his school and classmates- he started to hurt himself. It had started harmless, hitting his fist against the wall in his room after an especially stressful day at school, after an especially mean bullying through the whole day. Then he had started to do it more often, during school against the bathroom stalls whenever it got too much, bruising up his knuckles. He liked it.   
It showed that something was wrong and it also made him forget the ache in his heart for a while. But only a week of this and it seemed to not be enough anymore, he needed to hurt more, he needed to feel more pain.  
He did not know how to word this sudden desire to harm himself, he just felt like he deserved it, all of sudden. And all of his happy faces turned to alibis to hide the pain he was showing only inside. Most times it all comes out wrong, no matter what he tried to do, he just could not quiet grasp it   
anymore. His answers all sounded like lies to him,   
“Hey Gabe how are you?” his brother had asked him one morning, five weeks before school ended and he had answered with the same cheerful “I am fine Michael! Like always” But that all was such a lie, sounded and felt so wrong. 

That was the day he started to actually cut himself. He had come home, no one had been there yet to his surprise and he had quickly snatched a sharp knife from the kitchen, one to cut fruit with, one that would not be missed- why? He did not know, he did not think in that very moment. Not at all. The way he walked into his room had something mechanic, robotic even.   
He did not hesitate a second, he closed the door, locked it actually in case someone got home. His siblings did not have any sense of privacy after all, he did not either. It was hard when you had to share a room with your brother and so Gabriel shared his small room with his two year older brother, Raphael. Luckily Raphael surely was still at work, he had started only this year, and the 16-year old was alone for now. 

He did not once reconsider this, it was not even a decision he had just.. wanted to do this and not thought about it more, only grabbed the tool he needed and locked himself in.  
The first cut was vertical over his left wrist, the second followed over it, at first the skin only turned slightly red until a few drops of blood started to appear, nothing more. There was not much blood involved yet and no real pain. Gabriel needed more. More pain.

Now he was cutting deeper, dragging the blade through the white skin on his arms, feeling how the knife cut through it as if it was as thin as paper, slicing the skin open, tearing it apart and letting the cut fill with blood that soon started to drip over his wrist, coating it with much more blood than before. The pain was sharp and clear and there was nothing else he could focus on now, it was so good, it made him forget. Gabriel did it again, even deeper now, tearing the skin apart, and a fifth time- now he stopped, he was breathing calm and slow, as if he had just had the most relaxing bath ever, as if he had not just sliced his wrists open.   
He was sure he had not hit an artery, had not been his intention after all. A smile spread on his lips as he watched the blood paint his whole wrist, making it look far worse than it actually was. He was at peace, feeling good and..actually he did not feel anything, he was numb. And that was what made it so /good/. Five cuts were now littering his wrist and he remained where he was, in the safety of his room. He only moved to set the knife aside, hide it under a few of his shirts when the blood had stopped and was slowly drying on his skin. 

Now he unlocked the door again and walked tot he bathroom, calm and slow and so very relaxed, he was not even there completely, all he could think about was how good it had felt to give the pain he felt on the inside an outlet. Gabriel washed his arm and then did his homework like nothing had ever happened, he did not bandage his arm, no one would care after all and they were not bleeding anymore, just looking like angry, red marks but unmistakably like cuts. If someone would notice them they would know what they were on an instant, not that anyone paid enough attention to the youngest family member.

And he had been right, no one noticed even if they were quiet obvious and he did nothing to hide them, not even subconsciously. At school no one noticed either, not even the teachers. The other kids simply did not care about him, at least that was how it made him feel, how the bullying made him feel.   
Soon he had marked his whole left arm up like this, only a week and a half had passed and he was addicted to the feeling of numbness and it started to take more and more to reach it, more blood, deeper cuts. He did not want to soil his right arm like this and so he moved to his stomach with the cuts, his sides and love handles especially the softest parts, slicing into the skin until it stung like crazy and he could finally calm down.   
That carried one until there were only three days left before school ended.   
Some kids had told his brothers about his sexuality as they all knew each other through siblings or friends.. And Michael, his oldest brother who had only meant it well, had told their dad.

His dad was a very religious man who would never accept something like this, he had already thrown Nick our after all for being bi and catching him while he had made out with another guy. Gabriel knew he was in trouble that day when he got home.  
The beating Gabriel had to suffer through had not been fun, the insults he went through were so much crueler than those of his classmates. His father meant more to him than those kids after all and hearing all those harsh and cruel words out of the mouth of the person who had practically raised him... hurt.  
That was the day Gabriel got thrown out of his home, the place that had stopped feeling safe weeks ago, there was a reason why he had not told anyone before, he knew how conservative his family was- he had never intended for anyone of them to know, expect for Nick maybe. 

He only had time to grab a few of his clothes, his phone and charger and that was it clothes wise, a bit of money, of course he had grabbed the knife too.   
Gabriel had slept under the school roof this night as he had no friends he could turn to, no one he could hide out at.  
And at school the words got worse, his mind had turned dark and every word turned against him. He got mocked for how he looked, black eye and bruises all over his face- no sympathy, nothing.

This night he slit his wrists again, deeper than ever and horizontal over the pulse points. Both of them. Slicing open old scars and making them bleed again, cutting his artery for real this time, on purpose. Why should he bother with living f there was nothing worth living for? He was done, years and years of bullying were enough, he could not take it anymore.  
He did not feel the pain this time, all he felt were the tears streaming down his face, hot and wet against his cold skin. The numbness that spread through his every feature until his vision had turned black.   
That was how Gabriel Novak died, alone in the last night before summer break.  
The staff at school found him and the when his class came into the classroom, they were already talking about the case of suicide in front of the school and when their teacher came in, looking very on edge they all started to look around. It took them a whole five minutes to realize that Gabriel was missing, the realization dawned on them and they stayed silent for once, no one dared to make a joke anymore.  
They all knew that it was their fault, at least partly. His dad had been the final straw. His family got to know last, they seemed shocked and everyone seemed to regret what they did, too late. Gabriel was already far gone, dead and lifeless. One of the happiest teens alive committed suicide because he got pushed too far, and no one had even tried to help, maybe with help this would not have happened. Maybe with only one friend by his side Gabriel would still be alive. Too late.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Please leave me a comment, kudos- anything. I like hearing from you and seeing that you like my works as I often am not sure where I am going with this or why I am posting at all.
> 
> In case you need help please seek it out. Stay strong. I care,
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: gabrielsammysangel


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